To All the Men I’ve Loved Before

Yes, like the movie but this time it’s men, not boys.

I’ve decided if I wanted to move forward, I needed to revisit my past. I needed to know why certain people came into my life and what came out of those meetings. To get where I am, I have to start at the beginning.

Tim- my first love, the handsome boy next door. Although he was 10 years older than me, something about him embodied the perfect man. He was sweet, charming, funny, good looking, had luscious lips, stocky, and a great head of hair. As far as I remembered, I was in love before I knew what it meant. The feeling every time I saw him, even to this day, of butterflies trying to escape my stomach, my heart beating fast, my legs shaky. I told him how I felt when I was around 15 and he told me that he only thought of me as a sister, as he was an only child. After bawling my eyes out after this revelation, I vowed to never love him again. I didn’t want to see or talk to him ever again because I knew how my heart would react. I still believe if he would have given us a chance, I would be on cloud nine every day and night.

Matt- my elementary, middle and high school crush. The quarterback of the football team, the boy I did homework for to try and get him to like me. Thank you for pushing me everyday to try my best, look my best, and prove to myself that I was a catch.

Denny- my husband, the father of my kids. I still look back on the first time we met, trying to figure out what made me fall in love with you in the first place. I think of these memories often as our own relationship is struggling and we don’t know how much longer it will last.

There are men after my husband as we have gone through some separations and my own struggles to find my place. There have been 5 men after my husband that have come into my life, brought joy, tears, and love to my heart.

Aaron- The hardest one to get over. I only met you 3 times but each time was more magical than the last. There are certain songs I can hear, knowing you will pop into my mind and bring a smile to my face. I could be myself around you, which was very rare, and made me see things in a new light. Knowing our time was short made things harder and despite it being 9 years later, the very thought of you warms my heart and aches to hear your voice.

Mitch- You always made me feel good about myself.  Dressing up, taking care of myself, listening to our problems as we were both going through some things. Our friendship only lasted a year and although you have moved on to a better life, I value our time we shared and know that you were where you needed to be in order to see the light.

Chris- You literally blew in like a hurricane, coming into my life when I least expected it. There was an instant attraction and felt like I could share my deepest secrets with. Your smile made everything better and although there were times I felt you took advantage of those, I realized things about myself that I was lacking. We still talk occasionally and each time reminds me of what we shared and the feelings that coincided.

Dave- One of my only friends that I can actually call that. My Jesus, the voice of reason when I don’t want to hear what needs to be said. You have been someone I can count on to bring me out of my darkest times and realize I need to make myself happy. You’ve always lent your ear when I need to talk, giving criticism when needed and reiterating the importance of self-care.

And lastly Mark. It’s been 8-9 years of back and forth, talking about our lives and family, texts, calls, and a few human interactions. You have become one of the most important people in life, making me realize what I need in a spouse. You have embodied the perfect man, despite probably not feeling like it. Wisdom does come with age but you’ve always helped me, been concerned for me, worried about me, and appreciated every compliment you’ve been given. I don’t know what would happen if you weren’t a part of my life, but I appreciate every moment I get and hope for many more years. Also for giving me great inspirations for my male counterpart in Love or Lust. Yes, those are the lips I’m always referring to.

As you can tell, I’ve had many loves in my life so far. They normally say you have 2 great loves in your life. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and as I move more in my 30’s, there is a change within me. I’m not as patient, maybe more ornery or stubborn, and can no longer handle the games. If things progress the way they have and I end up single again, I know what I can handle and what I’ll be looking for in a partner. Sometimes people come into your life that bring something special so when the time is right, your perfect mate is waiting around the corner.

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