This title could mean many things. This will be in regards to a relationship. I’ve been in my current relationship for 15 years. I got engaged after a year and married after 3 years. Looking back through old diaries, even when I was in the early stages on my relationship, I was having doubts. I had doubts after I got engaged and looking back on my wedding day, looking at my husband through the blinders, I thought about running. I coughed it up to cold feet and as they say, the rest is history.
Five months after getting married and buying a house, I was having doubts about our future. I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him anymore much less have children with him. I decided to push through and here were are 12 years and 3 children later. The basis of most of our problems has always been our communication issues. I think once we had kids, communication went downhill. Most of the responsibility went on me, tending the kids, house, making sure everyone was fed and clothed. When our first daughter was a year and a half, we had separated twice, for 2 weeks each. I moved most of my clothing with a baby to my mom’s to figure out my future. I missed him in the those weeks. Nothing changed but I missed my husband. Fast forward 2 more years, we were living at my mom’s and ended up separating again for a month. I was in a dark place having lost my job and feeling depressed and alone.
He moved back home and we shortly got pregnant with Baby #2. I know what you’re thinking, a baby doesn’t fix a broken relationship. My thinking was it would. Needless to say by Baby #3, things went from bad to worse. I found myself keeping a lot of issues bottled up and moving through the day like a zombie. To this day, I still do.
Despite multiple sitdowns and talks, saying things would change and get better, things have either stayed the same or have gone out the window. I found myself bargaining with God every night to help show me the way, sending signs or any wisdom to help me make decisions. In doing so, I made an appointment with a therapist to help me find out if it’s me or him. I know I have a lot of excess baggage from my childhood that hasn’t all been resolved but at least I’m making the effort to change.
In closing, I’ve also contacted a divorce lawyer to find out my options in case it comes to that decision. Do I stay in my relationship for the kids, another 16 years until my youngest is old enough, or do I get out now and enjoy the rest of my 30’s? Everyone deserves to be happy and it’s high time I decide when that is.