Posted in Love

When enough is not enough…

I don’t know where to begin. It’s been a trying month since the last time I posted. I will get around to posting my Liift4 results in another post but this one will gear toward relationships, either with your significant other or your family.

Since my last post, I have finished my 3 days a week Realtor training and set to go full on selling mode. With that, I am also running 4 online business, trying to get through my Medical Billing & Coding classes and working to finish Love or Lust. With all that going on, apparently I’m not allowed to spend the money that is the joint account.

Everyone knows I stay at home with my 3 year old. I don’t have a lot of money coming in but I have something. Any money that comes in should go straight to providing for the kids and my husband. I should not be getting my hair/nails done or buying myself something sexy. Behind my back, they are commenting that I’m spending my husband’s money when I do things for myself.

I also explained to my husband that when someone goes through surgery, like I did, a lot of relationships don’t last. Since your nerves are firing up again, you feel different. For me, my self confidence went from the floor to the ceiling. Even though he loved me no matter what size I was, I didn’t love myself. Now that I can fit into my smaller clothes and it’s a lot more enjoyable to try clothes on, I want this feeling to last. I should not have to put myself back down on the totem pole so everyone else can be wanted.

Which brings me to my next point…since my scar has been been disappearing and I was feeling good, I decided to do a boudoir session with my photographer who took my business pictures. She hired a make-up artist who dolled me up and tried on the different pieces of lingerie, bra/panty sets and whatever else she had laying around. It was before Valentine’s Day so we had hearts and rose petals, soft music and soft lighting. It was a lot of fun and the pictures I’ve seen, they turned out amazing. I decided to post some of them, not revealing too much but apparently given my profession, nobody needs to see it. It sends the wrong message and can bring about the wrong type of clients.

After doing this session and my photographer who works with models, I decided I wanted to model on the side. Something that can bring some cash in and I’d have a lot of fun doing it. Apparently the camera likes me. I also post a lot of my health and fitness in my sports bra so I thought about creating a new page just for the modeling and health and fitness. Bare in mind that the majority of the people that would follow and support me would also be potential clients in the future. I have my personal page and my professional one but apparently I am not supposed to commingle my other projects. It’s been a crap shoot and some how I haven’t chewed anyone’s head off…yet.

And to add further misery to my life, once we decide on the divorce, we plan on still living together, for the kids sake. It will save on alimony and child support until I can get myself back on my feet. If that’s the case and I’m still not making a lot of money, I’m not allowed to have finance my dates or trips I want to take. As long as I would be staying under his roof, taking care of his kids and the house, I am not allowed to date until I have my own money to fall back on. See where I’m heading here…

Which brings me back to the modeling. My mother asked what is it with sex? Everything I do or pictures that I take have some sexual connotation to it. She brought up my father, refer back to the post about Harvey Weinstein, which I talked about my childhood. She wanted to know what he did to me that made me turn out this way. It’s been 18 years since their divorce and probably 15 years since I last saw him. She still brings him up when we talk about the subject. It has nothing to do with him. I’m a sexual person, I enjoy it, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of liking it.

She is afraid with everything that is going on, I’ll revert back to my old ways of sleeping my way through the county, which I didn’t, if you were wondering. She said bringing every Tom, Dick and Harry around the kids was not going to be good for them and would set a bad example to the girls. I reiterated to her that only serious relationships would the kids be brought it but I also shouldn’t have to sneak around until I find my prince charming.

Confused enough yet? You’re not the only one. Apparently, my life is not my own. I am supposed to follow in whatever footsteps others want me to. They forget, 2019 is the year of me. The last 15 years have been about everyone else. It’s my time. My time to shine. My time to turn the page. My time to see the world through Diamond Eyes! Which is a Shinedown reference and I’ll get into them a little later after seeing an amazing show last night.

Tell me your thoughts. Have you gone through this before? Do you have people like this in your life? You can’t get rid of all the negative people in your life but you can start chopping them down one by one.

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Posted in Love

Where Do I Belong?

As I drove home from another disappointing night, Linkin Park’s Somewhere I Belong came on my phone. As I listened to the words, I started to really listen to the words:

When this began,
I had nothing to say
And I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find that I’m not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I got left to feel (nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own
I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face (I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find that it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind (so what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
‘Cause I can’t justify the way everyone is looking at me (nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own,
And the fault is my own
I want to heal, I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I’ve held so long (erase all the pain ’till it’s gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel,
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything ’til I break away from me
And I will break away, and find myself today
I want to heal, I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it’s gone)
I want to heal, I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I want to heal I want to feel like I’m,
Somewhere I belong,
I want to heal I want to feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
Where did I belong? At that moment, I belonged nowhere. Some of you know I’ve been trying to get my Real Estate license. Tonight was the 2nd time I’ve taken the exam and failed, probably cause I went back through the questions and changed some answers. My anxiety kicks in and I start freaking out inside. I know the information; I just suck at tests.
I also started to think about what I was actually good at. I knew what I wasn’t good at. I couldn’t do anything medical as I can’t do needles or blood. I can’t do law because I barely passed Paralegal Studies in College. My writing was suffering as I have to re-write my entire first book. I was good with my hands. Maybe I could find something that was more hands on. The only thing my hands were good at were typing but there aren’t many jobs where I could type all day.
Since my living situation can go one of two ways, I need to figure something out. When I saw my therapist this past Tuesday, she asked me what I hoped to accomplish during my time. I told her my self-confidence and to find myself. In 15 years, I have lost my way and I’m trying to find the person I know I can be. The me now is bitter, alone, crouchy, angry, not motivated, mean, and down right cold.
This weekend I am locking myself away for a few days, alone with my computer and my thoughts. Two days to re-write my book and figure out my next steps. If things go as planned, I will have more clarity and perspective to start the new month off right.
Right now, I’m trying to figure out where I belong.
Posted in Love

When Do You Know It’s Time To Move On?

This title could mean many things. This will be in regards to a relationship. I’ve been in my current relationship for 15 years. I got engaged after a year and married after 3 years. Looking back through old diaries, even when I was in the early stages on my relationship, I was having doubts. I had doubts after I got engaged and looking back on my wedding day, looking at my husband through the blinders, I thought about running. I coughed it up to cold feet and as they say, the rest is history.

Five months after getting married and buying a house, I was having doubts about our future. I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him anymore much less have children with him. I decided to push through and here were are 12 years and 3 children later. The basis of most of our problems has always been our communication issues. I think once we had kids, communication went downhill. Most of the responsibility went on me, tending the kids, house, making sure everyone was fed and clothed. When our first daughter was a year and a half, we had separated twice, for 2 weeks each. I moved most of my clothing with a baby to my mom’s to figure out my future. I missed him in the those weeks. Nothing changed but I missed my husband. Fast forward 2 more years, we were living at my mom’s and ended up separating again for a month. I was in a dark place having lost my job and feeling depressed and alone.

He moved back home and we shortly got pregnant with Baby #2. I know what you’re thinking, a baby doesn’t fix a broken relationship. My thinking was it would. Needless to say by Baby #3, things went from bad to worse. I found myself keeping a lot of issues bottled up and moving through the day like a zombie. To this day, I still do.

Despite multiple sitdowns and talks, saying things would change and get better, things have either stayed the same or have gone out the window. I found myself bargaining with God every night to help show me the way, sending signs or any wisdom to help me make decisions. In doing so, I made an appointment with a therapist to help me find out if it’s me or him. I know I have a lot of excess baggage from my childhood that hasn’t all been resolved but at least I’m making the effort to change.

In closing, I’ve also contacted a divorce lawyer to find out my options in case it comes to that decision. Do I stay in my relationship for the kids, another 16 years until my youngest is old enough, or do I get out now and enjoy the rest of my 30’s? Everyone deserves to be happy and it’s high time I decide when that is.

 

 

 

Posted in Love

Are You In A Rut?

After watching this week’s episode of 9-1-1, I am in a rut. Let me rephrase, it’s more like a trench I can’t get out of. We get so complacent with our life, sometimes we don’t feel like it’s a rut.

After these past few years, I can, without a doubt, say I’m in a rut. Working, staying at home, it’s all the same routine. I get up, get 2 of the kids off to school, try to scarf down a hot breakfast and coffee, do chores while my 2 year old runs amuck, lunch, more chores, kids home from school, snack, dinner, some TV (if no more chores) then it’s off to bed to do the same thing over again. So far for 10 years that’s all I’ve done. No wonder my health started to deteriorate.

In those times, I tried to take care of myself. Despite losing 30lbs after my 1st from 2 days personal trainer and 5 days gym, it put me in the hospital, sidelined for 6 weeks. After that, I was never the same. When I get that much momentum going, it’s hard to stop. I’ve tried to get it going again but something always comes up. Kids, phone, dog, appointments, business. I know they shouldn’t be excuses but they were. On top of all that, taking care of my sick mother in law didn’t help which later got me another hospital visit for anxiety.

I’ve found myself talking to GOD a lot. Thank Him for what I can and asking for answers and signs for others. I may delve into it later, as it requires a whole lot of soul searching and hard decisions.

I know most people would kill to be in the rut I am with a house to take care of and kids who demand my attention. But I long for the days of peace and quiet. The 2 minutes to go to the bathroom or jump in a shower without one of them accompanying me. Being able to soak in an epsom salt bath because my body is sore without someone knocking on the door, needing something. Getting a good night sleep so I can face the next day. Ah, sleep. What is that again?

So I ask again, are you in a rut? Maybe you’re just starting to dig in or trying to escape alive. Just remember don’t lose yourself in the process. They don’t bring this up in marriage counseling now do they?

That’s my soapbox for now. Depending on which kid irritates me next, there may be a slew of new material coming.

Posted in Love

To All the Men I’ve Loved Before

Yes, like the movie but this time it’s men, not boys.

I’ve decided if I wanted to move forward, I needed to revisit my past. I needed to know why certain people came into my life and what came out of those meetings. To get where I am, I have to start at the beginning.

Tim- my first love, the handsome boy next door. Although he was 10 years older than me, something about him embodied the perfect man. He was sweet, charming, funny, good looking, had luscious lips, stocky, and a great head of hair. As far as I remembered, I was in love before I knew what it meant. The feeling every time I saw him, even to this day, of butterflies trying to escape my stomach, my heart beating fast, my legs shaky. I told him how I felt when I was around 15 and he told me that he only thought of me as a sister, as he was an only child. After bawling my eyes out after this revelation, I vowed to never love him again. I didn’t want to see or talk to him ever again because I knew how my heart would react. I still believe if he would have given us a chance, I would be on cloud nine every day and night.

Matt- my elementary, middle and high school crush. The quarterback of the football team, the boy I did homework for to try and get him to like me. Thank you for pushing me everyday to try my best, look my best, and prove to myself that I was a catch.

Denny- my husband, the father of my kids. I still look back on the first time we met, trying to figure out what made me fall in love with you in the first place. I think of these memories often as our own relationship is struggling and we don’t know how much longer it will last.

There are men after my husband as we have gone through some separations and my own struggles to find my place. There have been 5 men after my husband that have come into my life, brought joy, tears, and love to my heart.

Aaron- The hardest one to get over. I only met you 3 times but each time was more magical than the last. There are certain songs I can hear, knowing you will pop into my mind and bring a smile to my face. I could be myself around you, which was very rare, and made me see things in a new light. Knowing our time was short made things harder and despite it being 9 years later, the very thought of you warms my heart and aches to hear your voice.

Mitch- You always made me feel good about myself.  Dressing up, taking care of myself, listening to our problems as we were both going through some things. Our friendship only lasted a year and although you have moved on to a better life, I value our time we shared and know that you were where you needed to be in order to see the light.

Chris- You literally blew in like a hurricane, coming into my life when I least expected it. There was an instant attraction and felt like I could share my deepest secrets with. Your smile made everything better and although there were times I felt you took advantage of those, I realized things about myself that I was lacking. We still talk occasionally and each time reminds me of what we shared and the feelings that coincided.

Dave- One of my only friends that I can actually call that. My Jesus, the voice of reason when I don’t want to hear what needs to be said. You have been someone I can count on to bring me out of my darkest times and realize I need to make myself happy. You’ve always lent your ear when I need to talk, giving criticism when needed and reiterating the importance of self-care.

And lastly Mark. It’s been 8-9 years of back and forth, talking about our lives and family, texts, calls, and a few human interactions. You have become one of the most important people in life, making me realize what I need in a spouse. You have embodied the perfect man, despite probably not feeling like it. Wisdom does come with age but you’ve always helped me, been concerned for me, worried about me, and appreciated every compliment you’ve been given. I don’t know what would happen if you weren’t a part of my life, but I appreciate every moment I get and hope for many more years. Also for giving me great inspirations for my male counterpart in Love or Lust. Yes, those are the lips I’m always referring to.

As you can tell, I’ve had many loves in my life so far. They normally say you have 2 great loves in your life. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and as I move more in my 30’s, there is a change within me. I’m not as patient, maybe more ornery or stubborn, and can no longer handle the games. If things progress the way they have and I end up single again, I know what I can handle and what I’ll be looking for in a partner. Sometimes people come into your life that bring something special so when the time is right, your perfect mate is waiting around the corner.

Posted in Love, News

What They Don’t Teach You About Having Kids?

what-it-is-like-having-three-kids

We all know children do not come with a manual. Over thousands of years, evolution has changed the way we raise our children. What they don’t teach you is all the added expenses and drama you have to do go through. Besides raising, clothing and feeding your children, you have the expense of daycare, school activities, college, sleepovers, fundraising, the list goes on.

My first rant is Estates. When my mother in law passed away, we found out she left some of her retirement to our 3 kids. After receiving the paperwork from the retirement company, we had to formulate Letters of Appointment. If you don’t know what that is, you have to petition the court for guardianship of a minor in order to claim their inheritance. When we went to the courthouse to find out this, they told us to go to the county website, find the forms, fill it out, pay $60/per child, submit to the judge and he decides whether to sign off on the petition or schedule a court date. I only thought you had to do this is you were petitioning for custody of minors. So we have to submit these forms, a copy of their birth certificates, proving they are ours, and wait. They were not allowed to tell us about filling out these forms because they are not attorney’s. You have to either figure it out yourself or have a lawyer help you out, which could result in hundreds to thousands of extra dollars. If you are on a fixed income, how can someone afford these extra charges? We have to pay out $180 for these forms and wait a few days, weeks or months until everything is signed off. They said if we have to go to court, only one parent can show up. So if I go, I’m signing off that I’m the guardian of 3 kids, not both of us, which could complicate things down the road if something were to happen to me. Meaning if I sign off and I die, my husband would have to go through all of this again to prove guardianship. With his work hours, it is going to be near impossible to get these scheduled with courthouse hours as I would rather have both of us sign off.

Let’s talk Daycare. I was fortunate enough to have a friend of a friend that was only charging me $60/week to watch 2 of my kids while I had one in school. When those rates doubled, I had to chose between them and working. I could not afford both. With what I was making, I would be working for almost free to pay for daycare and we were strapped as it was. With rising costs, I don’t know how most people do it. It is very rare to be able to have one person stay home while the other works. I have to find other means to make some money to contribute especially when my husband gets paid every 2 weeks and I have to go grocery shopping every week, which is anywhere between $100-$200 depending on where I go. I tend to go to discount stores or Aldi’s to pick up most of the goods, which I can get cheap, but sometimes I don’t like their selection so I have to go to either Giant or Walmart, which is not always budgeted. Coupons or getting cash back from Ibotta may help in the long run but you have to accrue a certain amount before you can take out. We made too much for food stamps but I’m happy that the girls get free lunches for school. It’s hard when you have to chose between feeding them and making sure you have enough to eat to take care of them.

When I was in school, they had HomeEc which I learned how to balance a checkbook but I never did the one of having kids. They had classes on how to plan a wedding as they did mock weddings and some kids did the baby test of taking a doll home while it recorded how you took care of it. Between high school and college, there should be more classes on how to run households, budgeting, kids, emergencies, estates, anything to help plan for the real world.

The price of raising kids is only going to increase and with today’s economy, birthrates may decline or we have to move to more economy friendly countries. Honestly, I’m terrified for the future and what my kids will encounter.

What is some advice you would have taken before kids or have found out later on that you wish you knew?