I don’t know where to begin. It’s been a trying month since the last time I posted. I will get around to posting my Liift4 results in another post but this one will gear toward relationships, either with your significant other or your family.
Since my last post, I have finished my 3 days a week Realtor training and set to go full on selling mode. With that, I am also running 4 online business, trying to get through my Medical Billing & Coding classes and working to finish Love or Lust. With all that going on, apparently I’m not allowed to spend the money that is the joint account.
Everyone knows I stay at home with my 3 year old. I don’t have a lot of money coming in but I have something. Any money that comes in should go straight to providing for the kids and my husband. I should not be getting my hair/nails done or buying myself something sexy. Behind my back, they are commenting that I’m spending my husband’s money when I do things for myself.
I also explained to my husband that when someone goes through surgery, like I did, a lot of relationships don’t last. Since your nerves are firing up again, you feel different. For me, my self confidence went from the floor to the ceiling. Even though he loved me no matter what size I was, I didn’t love myself. Now that I can fit into my smaller clothes and it’s a lot more enjoyable to try clothes on, I want this feeling to last. I should not have to put myself back down on the totem pole so everyone else can be wanted.
Which brings me to my next point…since my scar has been been disappearing and I was feeling good, I decided to do a boudoir session with my photographer who took my business pictures. She hired a make-up artist who dolled me up and tried on the different pieces of lingerie, bra/panty sets and whatever else she had laying around. It was before Valentine’s Day so we had hearts and rose petals, soft music and soft lighting. It was a lot of fun and the pictures I’ve seen, they turned out amazing. I decided to post some of them, not revealing too much but apparently given my profession, nobody needs to see it. It sends the wrong message and can bring about the wrong type of clients.
After doing this session and my photographer who works with models, I decided I wanted to model on the side. Something that can bring some cash in and I’d have a lot of fun doing it. Apparently the camera likes me. I also post a lot of my health and fitness in my sports bra so I thought about creating a new page just for the modeling and health and fitness. Bare in mind that the majority of the people that would follow and support me would also be potential clients in the future. I have my personal page and my professional one but apparently I am not supposed to commingle my other projects. It’s been a crap shoot and some how I haven’t chewed anyone’s head off…yet.
And to add further misery to my life, once we decide on the divorce, we plan on still living together, for the kids sake. It will save on alimony and child support until I can get myself back on my feet. If that’s the case and I’m still not making a lot of money, I’m not allowed to have finance my dates or trips I want to take. As long as I would be staying under his roof, taking care of his kids and the house, I am not allowed to date until I have my own money to fall back on. See where I’m heading here…
Which brings me back to the modeling. My mother asked what is it with sex? Everything I do or pictures that I take have some sexual connotation to it. She brought up my father, refer back to the post about Harvey Weinstein, which I talked about my childhood. She wanted to know what he did to me that made me turn out this way. It’s been 18 years since their divorce and probably 15 years since I last saw him. She still brings him up when we talk about the subject. It has nothing to do with him. I’m a sexual person, I enjoy it, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of liking it.
She is afraid with everything that is going on, I’ll revert back to my old ways of sleeping my way through the county, which I didn’t, if you were wondering. She said bringing every Tom, Dick and Harry around the kids was not going to be good for them and would set a bad example to the girls. I reiterated to her that only serious relationships would the kids be brought it but I also shouldn’t have to sneak around until I find my prince charming.
Confused enough yet? You’re not the only one. Apparently, my life is not my own. I am supposed to follow in whatever footsteps others want me to. They forget, 2019 is the year of me. The last 15 years have been about everyone else. It’s my time. My time to shine. My time to turn the page. My time to see the world through Diamond Eyes! Which is a Shinedown reference and I’ll get into them a little later after seeing an amazing show last night.
Tell me your thoughts. Have you gone through this before? Do you have people like this in your life? You can’t get rid of all the negative people in your life but you can start chopping them down one by one.